Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
