Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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