So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
