I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
