the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
