If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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