Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
