My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
