I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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