You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
