And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
