My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
