why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
