there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I think your dad took our porno
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
