The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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