Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
