Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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