1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
