My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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