I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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