Soap is not a condiment
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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