so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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