see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
