Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
