if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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