Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize