Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
