Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
