I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
