Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
