My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
