I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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