remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
