Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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