I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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