Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
