we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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