i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
