Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My cat gives me a boner
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am available for nakedness
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
