Pants 0. Shit 1.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
