If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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