apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
