I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
