If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
