my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
