You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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