He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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