You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
