he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
