i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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