I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
