Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize