seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
