is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
