matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
