Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
