Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You dont lie about slip and slides
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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