Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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