Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
