You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want to make a zoo with you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
