Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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