im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I need moral support for this bender
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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