this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
