He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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