God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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