The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
