The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
