halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
