i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
