Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
